I've been really, really tired lately.
I feel like I wake up tired, go to work tired, play with the boys tired - and by the time the house is clean, laundry is folded and kids are in bed - I barely make it through a glass of red wine with my husband before I am snoring on the couch beside him.
So many things could be the blame for this but at the top of the list is my poor relationship with time. There is so much I want, need and have to do within any given day. Between my day job, the boys, the spouse, the house, and the writing -- there aren't enough hours in the day. I go to bed and my mind is racing - checking off items on my mental list, adding items to that same list, and then it's...
My 32nd birthday is coming up next week, and in the midst of planning a short trip to celebrate, I have been thinking a great deal about what I want. I went to this lecture called, "Quit Your Day Job, Really" with Elizabeth Sims at the Writer's Digest Conference East in April. During the lecture, she posed a number of questions to us about what was holding us back from quitting our jobs or at least carving out more time to focus on our dreams. The number one thing on the list for most people is obviously financial but a close second was image -- she asked, how much of your fear to take the leap involves your fear of what other people will think of you?
I really had to think about that one.
What if what makes you happy won't necessarily buy you a new Mercedes? Will you be committing social image suicide? Does that even matter?
We live in such an oversized society. Celebrities and reality show stars are exalted on high plains smothered in impossible to live up to standards. We are all taught to keep pushing, keep fighting, keep working, don't age, don't sleep... and keep working until you are breaking through ceilings and rising to the top. But have you ever wondered if the dream you are chasing is a dream you ever actually had? Or is it a dream someone told you to have?
Sometimes the outside world is so crowded and so loud and so rushed that we don't have the chance to silence ourselves and ask - what is it that you want? What is it that you really want? When you are in kindergarten, you have to make it to the second grade - high school to college - college to graduate school - graduate school to top job - top job to marriage - marriage to kids - kids to college - college to retirement... rinse, repeat. We are taught we are supposed to want the huge house, fancy cars, straight hair, to make partner and for everyone to watch on TV... but what if you really want a warm bath, a kiss from your husband, unruly hair and to tickle your five year olds feet? What if you really want to homeschool, travel the country in an RV, and retire to Key West? What if you don't want kids and you want to make candles in a small home with your partner in Alaska? Or in my case, what if you really want to love your family and get lost in a universe of characters you created in your head? What if being fancy by other people's standards really doesn't factor in at all?
Personally, I have been doing a great deal of soul searching in the midst of my sleep deprivation. Which let me tell you... is quite entertaining for my husband since I fall asleep most nights rambling my "hippy talk"... I am at a cross roads when I am being called on what it is I want... the opportunity for one thing is being delicately arranged on a platter... while the possibility of what I really want is still dancing to my favorite song in my head. What am I going to tell my children I chose? What would I tell them to chose?
What would you choose?
Love and Light,